I’m happy to take this time to tell you about the life of my brother, Evan Gardiner and some special memories that I have of him; Evan was just sixteen months younger than me and was born on Sunday, October 20, 1968 in Lowell, Massachusetts.
My father had just finished his doctorate in nuclear physics at Utah State University a few months earlier and had taken a job with the government in Massachusetts, and so Evan began his life as a New Englander, at our home in Billerica, Massachusetts.
My memories of him as a little child; are that he was a quiet, happy little boy who loved building cities with blocks and legos, roaming the woods outside, playing kickball and croquet—and he was mean when he was poison and made us cry--, riding his bike and sledding.
He had a bicentennial quarter collection. He loved to play board games and with his mathematical mind, was hugely competitive which in later years earned him the name of the “Gardiner snake” from his Madsen family. As he got older, he was an avid fan of the Red Sox and of the Boston Celtics during their glory days of the ‘80’s. One highlight of his teenage years was going on a 50 mile canoe trip on the rapids of the Allegash River in Main with his scout troop. Many people remarked that this experience matured him and he became an even better boy.
Evan went to Kindergarten in a beautiful old white Congregational church on the green in the center of town. He attended Parker Elementary School, Howe Elementary School where he ran track, Marshall Middle School and Billerica Memorial High School where he sang in the Special Vocal Ensemble as a favor to his sisters who promised they would be nice to him if he did.
Evan had a streak of mischievousness and sense of humor that he carried all his life and often got him into trouble with his siblings. On one of our trips out to Utah to visit family, I had several accidents which were traumatic for me. For family home evening after the trip, we were asked to draw several pictures of our favorite experiences. Evan drew a picture of me dangling off the north rim of the Grand Canyon with the caption, “Joy fell off the Grand Canyon. We had fun! Another was a picture of my arm burning from a flaming marshmallow with the words, “Joy burned her arm roasting marshmallows. We had fun!”
Evan and his brothers were assigned to take care of our Dad’s large garden during the hot summer days. After weeding for a while, Evan would make some excuse to leave. After a long time, his brothers would discover him lounging on a beach chair in the woods, drinking cold lemonade. He would look up, smile lazily and say, “Just get it done”.
In spite of this, Evan was a hard worker. Weeding and hoeing the garden were just one of the many things that he did. Our Dad would often take him to shovel out the church or the widows he home taught after a big snow storm. He often did yard work for the bishop of our ward whom Evan respected tremendously. The Bishop would pay him and then hand him an extra dollar and say, “Here is a dollar for your mission fund.” Evan credited him with inspiring him with a desire to serve a mission.
At twelve years old, Evan took a job as a paper boy for the Lowell Sun and neither rain, sleet, snow or dark of night kept him from his appointed rounds! His customers loved him because he was so dependable. At 16, he turned his route over to his younger brothers and took a job at a hardware store for about a year, while keeping up his grades in school. After graduating from high school, he took a job with a good man in our ward, plastering in-ground swimming pools. He would travel as far north as Maine and as far south as Rhode Island to do this.
Evan was very good with his money and started saving at an early age. He was very generous with it and would often hold what he called “stash parties” for his siblings and buy tons of junk food that were not usually a part of our diet. He took his sisters to the movies and once took me to a store for my birthday and said, “Pick out any outfit you want”. He paid for the most part of a microwave for my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary and walked all the way home with it in his arms from the store because he didn’t have a car.
Evan was very independent and from the age of thirteen, paid for all his own clothing, bikes and anything else he needed. He earned enough money to pay for his mission at a time when costs were not regulated and his mission was the most expensive in the church. He had enough left over to pay for school and buy a car.
At nineteen, he was worthy to serve a mission and was called to Zurich, Switzerland, German speaking. He left the MTC for Switzerland on January 19, 1987. It was a difficult mission, and he had many challenges, but Evan wrote to me at the time that it was important for him to be a good missionary and he studied hard to learn the discussions in German.
He recently told me that he was a good finder, that he had a talent to find people who were interested in the church. Some were never baptized or if they did, it was after he moved to a different area and so he was never able to baptize anyone. His mission covered Switzerland, Austria and West Germany and he was able to serve in all three areas.
He tried many creative ways to find people. One of his companions was an excellent violinist. At Christmas time, he and Evan would take his violin out and play to the people in the street. They would get some investigators that way. One of his companions wrote to me that he was ‘impressed with Evan’s confidence and abilities as a missionary. He was known for his excellent German and studied hard to improve, even if some of the means were a little unconventional.’ He later revealed to his companion that it was because he listened to a German radio station in the morning as part of his German language study and knew many of the catchy German pop songs. His singing of them in the car bugged his companion terribly!
‘Regardless of the circumstance,’ this companion wrote, ‘he was bold and courageous, willing to speak up and to lead, and had a strong testimony of the gospel. He was a hard worker, but loved to have fun and horse around.’
This companion told of a funny story that is characteristic of Evan. As a zone leader, he was driving on a wet road and going a little fast. His car didn’t follow the road and he plowed into a picket fence, damaging his car at the same time. While waiting for the car to be fixed, he borrowed another one. When picking up his original car and taking back the borrowed car, he and his companion each had to drive one and tried to stay together as they should as companions. In the process, he and Evan became “BMW stunt car drivers” on the Autobahn as they raced each other home, passing each other whenever they could and trying not to be too reckless while the tires squealed. They pushed those cars to the limit, but ultimately his companion became too cautious, and Evan prevailed. Evan enjoyed rubbing that in for a while.
Evan had started college at BYU before his mission and like many freshmen; the thrill of being away from home for the first time was reflected in his grades. When he came home from his mission, he realized the importance of being a good student, buckled down, and had excellent grades. In fact, in one of his accounting classes, his professor called him in to compliment him on his effort at the end of the class because he had a perfect score on all his assignments and tests. Evan was flattered until the professor asked him if he had cheated, because no one in the history of the class had ever done so well. Evan firmly told him that his work had been all his. Evan decided to major in accounting and graduated top in his accounting class.
Evan met the love of his life, Margot Madsen, in 1990 when they were both Resident Assistants at Deseret Towers on Campus at BYU. She made him feel like he was the greatest guy in the world. She would laugh at his jokes and they were so happy together. He determined very quickly that she was the one for him and told her after only a few days that he was not planning on dating anyone else. They were married August 24, 1991 in the Oakland temple.
Evan loved and had great respect for his new Madsen family. There were never any of the traditional in-law tensions. He welcomed them heartily as part of his family and truly loved them.
He and Margot settled into married life at BYU continuing with school. Evan finished his Masters of Accountancy degree a week before their son Ryan was born.
Ryan was born May 11, 1995. Margot spent three days in the hospital at his birth and Evan spent the whole time with her, sleeping in a really uncomfortable chair. Ryan instantly became the center of his world. Evan put great thought and time into preparing for Ryan’s blessing—it was important that he say what Heavenly Father wanted him to say. Ryan was bottle –fed and so Evan fed him all the time and spent all his extra time with him. Ryan was a terrible sleeper and ended up in their bed which drove Margot crazy, but Evan loved cuddling and holding him. Margot said he was a ‘hands on Dad’. He loved taking Ryan to the park and playing with him. He loved taking Ryan to the Portland Trailblazers and they actually ended up on the 10 o’clock news sports highlights. When I would talk to him, his conversation was all about Ryan.
Evan and Margot very much wanted another child and tried for many years. They were finally blessed with a beautiful girl named Lindsay. Lindsay came to them on Evan’s birthday and Evan called her “my best birthday present ever”. Lindsay’s birth mom brought Lindsay to them and immediately put her in Evan’s arms instead of Margot’s, which both social workers said that they had never seen done before. One of the reasons Lindsay’s birth mom picked Evan and Margot was that she wanted Lindsay to have a returned missionary dad who was a worthy priesthood holder. She didn’t know that it was Evan’s birthday when she gave Lindsay to them.
Evan loved Lindsay from the very start. I remember how he glowed the day she was sealed to their family as he expressed his gratitude for her and gratitude for the support of family and friends during that time. He loved to take her to the park by their house and go on walks with her. When he was sick and had to stay at home, Lindsay was his pal and they would play hundreds of games of Shutes and Ladders and Candy land.
Evan taught Ryan and Lindsay their letters with sponge letters in the tub, so that within months after starting Kindergarten, they could both read.
As a family, they really enjoyed hiking, especially Evan. He would take Ryan to climb the 'Y' many times. They would hike Provo Canyon with Lindsay in her backpack and he would hike Timp and Squaw Peak.
Evan had a good heart. His sister Jan remembers how he would try to comfort her when she was sad. He protected me from mean people when I was younger by saying, “Don’t do that. She’s my sister”. When I was sick with cancer, he would often call me on his lunch break to see how I was. If he ever noticed anything on the news near me that was dangerous, he would call and check on me.
Evan loved his mom and felt very protective of her. He did all he could to help her. When our dad passed away suddenly, Evan was the first to arrive. He put his grief aside and immediately set to work, taking care of all of my dad’s affairs, getting everything ready for the funeral, dealing with the insurance company, and making sure that my mom’s needs were met.
He did not allow himself to break down until much later when everything was finished, which was a really difficult experience for him. When my mom was preparing to move to Utah, he and Margot flew home to Billerica to help my mom clean out the accumulation of thirty years from her house. He regarded the care of my mom as his personal responsibility from his dad. He regarded the care of her finances as a sacred trust to make sure that she would have enough to live on. He did the best he could and always had her best interest at heart. Margot mentioned that she was sometimes jealous because he tried so hard to help Mom.
Evan did not crave the lime light at church and tried very much to be behind the scenes. He had seen the burden his dad carried as bishop and did not aspire to that calling. However, he was a willing servant to do whatever Heavenly Father asked him to do. He was executive secretary twice and Elders Quorum president.
Evan began his professional career as an accountant for the prestigious company Deloite and Tusch in Portland in 1995 and worked there for three years. He received his CPA after only six months of being there and was promoted twice, finishing as senior account manager. His work load was heavy and he averaged 60-80 hours a week there. It left him with very little time for Margot and Ryan, and was one of the most stressful times of their lives. On top of this, he was Elder’s Quorum president in a ward with very little active priesthood, so he functioned with no counselors for 8 months, did all the home teaching and priesthood lessons while holding Ryan in his arms.
In 1998, he took a job with Novell in Utah as an accountant. He and Margot moved to American Fork. They felt really drawn to their neighborhood and Margot says she now understands why because of all their kind and supportive friends. He was very successful at Novell. He discovered ways to save Novell a great deal of money and became employee of the year for his department.
Although he loved the people that he worked with, his workload began to increase almost to the point it was in Portland, so he began to look for other opportunities. His dream was to work for BYU and when a job in Regulatory Accounting came along, he jumped at it. It was a wonderful opportunity for him. He loved going to work every day and was good at his job. Not long after he was hired, he was introduced to President Samuelson, who shook his hand and said, “You’re the one who is going to keep me out of jail, right?”
He felt so blessed to work at the university. Margot decorated his office with beautiful pictures from Switzerland and he had a lovely view outside his window of Timpanogas and Squaw Peak. He loved his boss and the people that he worked with and hoped to work there the rest of his life. All his colleagues respected him. Evan said that it was the saddest day of his life when he became sick and had to tell his boss that he was no longer able to work. So much of his identity was wrapped up in what he did and it was very, very difficult for him not to be there anymore.
In 2004-2005, Evan started having mysterious health problems. He and Margot went to many doctors, trying to get a diagnosis and eliminating possibility after possibility. Evan told me that he spent hours on his knees, pleading with his Heavenly Father to help him know what was wrong and to help him get better. It was a very difficult time, emotionally and mentally for both of them, because no doctor was able to help him, yet he was able to hold it together at work and support his family. Margot was by his side through the whole ordeal, suffering alongside him.
In 2007, Evan started exhibiting symptoms that could no longer be said were in his head or caused by strange microbes. He had an MRI and they received the devastating news that he had a brain tumor called a glioblastoma, that was located in the center of his brain which controlled his sleeping and breathing and therefore was inoperable. Evan and Margot were devastated, but he responded with his traditional humor by saying matter of factly, “I’m toast” and tried to laugh about it.
We all continually prayed for a miracle as he went through radiation and two years of chemotherapy, which caused his tumor to shrink by 90%. At that point, the chemotherapy became ineffective and was discontinued. He began taking an infusion of the drug Avastin, which was supposed to prevent blood flow to the tumor, but Evan was unable to continue taking it because it was destroying his kidneys.
He suffered horribly from the effects of the chemotherapy. He lost his hair, gained great amounts of weight and had awful pain, nausea and exhaustion. A byproduct of where the tumor was located was that he was unable to feel emotion. In some ways, this was a blessing because he didn’t have great anxiety, but it also caused him great sadness because he was unable to feel joy either.
Those who talked to him were always so impressed that he never complained about his trials. I think I understand this better from an experience a few months ago when one of my children was struggling. He gave her a blessing and which said that Heavenly Father loved her, and that no matter what the struggle she was going through, there was a always a silver lining if she looked for it, and Heavenly Father would help her get through it. He was always positive and tried to make other people feel better about the things they were going through.
He did his best to continue to live his life. He would clean the house, help with the laundry and make dinner. He took Lindsay and Ryan to their piano lessons and got Lindsay ready for school. He would try to be at Ryan’s baseball and football games. He and I talked about what an unselfish thing it was to try and get better with the chemotherapy, because if it were up to him alone, he would not do it and let the disease take over. However, he wanted to be with Margot, Ryan, and Lindsay for as long as he could and so he paid the price he needed to for that to happen.
Evan started to have problems with his vision and painful headaches. Another MRI done the week of Thanksgiving revealed a new tumor on his brain stem. The doctor told them that they needed to be prepared that Evan might not make it to Christmas. This was quite a blow. Evan said, “I don’t want to go. I just want to be with my family”, even though for so long he had been ready because he felt so bad.
Evan’s eyesight continued to worsen and he began to lose his balance and fall, which was very frightening. He was able to get through Christmas which was a blessing to their family. Shortly after this, he had to be confined to a hospital bed. He became very sleepy. As he began to decline, he still kept his humor and continued to make his family laugh.
I was blessed to talk to Evan almost every day for the last few months and had sweet, loving conversations with him about how blessed he was with a wonderful family, and how much his Heavenly Father loved him. Toward the end, he was unable to say much. I wasn’t sure if he understood all that I was saying to him. Nevertheless, the last few days, I really felt like he heard me and so I would just tell him how much I loved him and some of the things I was grateful for about him.
The last time I talked to him was on Friday and he seemed quite alert, but after a few minutes, I could tell that he was tired. I said to him, “I wish I was there to sing you to sleep.” Then I realized I could sing him to sleep on the phone and so I said, “I am going to sing to you, Evan. I’m going to sing to you my son Patton’s favorite lullaby which is The Man in the Moon. This is what I tell him when I sing it to him. Your great-grandma Hurst sang this to Grandma Gardiner. She sang this to me when I was a little girl and now I sing it to you. Someday, you will sing it to your little boy or girl. So here I go.” I sang it to Evan, doing it badly because I was trying not to cry and then I said, “How was that?” Evan--funny to the end--said, “Oh, stellar.” I told him, “You need to wrap that song up around you like it was a hug from me and know how much I love you.” I told him I would call him the next day and told him I loved him. He said, “Love you, too.”
That night, Evan started to struggle to breathe and the next evening on January 16th, after visits from many of his family, he passed quietly away with Margot next to him.
Just before he was diagnosed, I fasted and prayed with great urgency that he be made well and received a wonderful feeling of peace and that everything would be ok. I took that to mean that he would get better, and held that to me with great faith. As time passed and we realized that he was not going to beat this thing, I began to realize that the feeling of peace could mean something else. I realized that to accept our Heavenly Father’s will for Evan would bring peace and to trust that his will was right. I realized that I could not be happy any other way, and peace has come.
We are so grateful to Margot for her unconditional love for Evan and her support and kindness to him. She was and is the perfect wife and friend to him. She has been so generous to share him with our family, even when she probably needed him herself. We are grateful to Margot’s parents and my mom, who unselfishly helped with Evan’s needs when he was unable to help himself. We are grateful for the kindness of family and friends to Evan, Margot, Ryan and Lindsay during this hard time.
I loved my brother Evan with all my heart. He was an “example of righteous living” as my dad wrote as his bishop on his missionary application. He was courageous, loving and kind. We are so grateful to have had him for the time we had. We are thankful that his earthly suffering is over and that he is without the pains and problems that plagued his body for so long. We are grateful to know that we haven’t lost him, and will see him again.
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
